Today was a better day, despite my exhaustion throughout the morning till eve, when I woke up again. My new phone came a Fairphone i love it despite its flaws which I’m sure I’ll work around eventually I don’t get why I can’t manage it from my computer, why I have to install everything over wifi I don’t have a wifi network, I spent the evening try to make my linux router into one so I can install apps on the thing :/ It didn’t work I don’t think the routers card supports being turned into an access point. I wish it would just say that like, oh linux, software isn’t particularly useable without being a flipping expert in it. kinda defies the point.
Lying in bed I imagined not being me, or well being a better version of me stronger, expressing what I wanted, running away when I was younger calling my self Cinder because Idk.
I never any of those things. its probably for the best but I live in regret.
Someone asked me once if I love animals more than people. Its true. I think. but I only have fishies since I doubt my ability to care for anything else. My past self would call me stupid for thinking that but they don’t know what I do now about myself. How I do/did horrible things to the point I now thoroughly believe I’m better alone.
Aliz is visiting this weekend. returning to this home I tried to build for us and failed, I’m half dreading it, half over the moon for it. he’ll be gone on Sunday. I hate how I can’t even tidy this place up for him.
I’m not sure how to feel it makes me cry.
I can’t sleep, write down my thoughts my thoughts are full of escapism nothing practical nothing useful fairy tales and lost mes. I feel like I can’t cope but I am coping I haven’t yet drawn this razor a long my arm.